He may have played the improbable role in the film but for sure Mel Gibson has emerged once again as a racist and a bully and clearly a person who does not care ‘what women want’ and dislikes not being able to get the better of them. He and his girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, who is also the mother of his eight-month-old daughter, are locked in a bitter court battle over parental contact. Gibson has allegedly made several phone calls using threats and abuse and racial slurs that, when they are substantiated, (as his previous racial abuse of a Jewish policewoman was) will show him to be a very unsavoury character despite all his millions and his pretty face.

So why do I bring this up today? Not because I care about Mel Gibson for sure. Its because I know that some of you out there will also be experiencing bullying and blaming ex’s who think that by dumping their anger and insecurities on you and knowing exactly how to hit your weak points, that you will crumble under their attack and give in to their demands however it compromises you. And, please know that this is not just a male domain. A ‘woman scorned’ may also resort to horrid behaviour which causes awful pain mentally and physically on her partner.

I contend that there is no random behaviour of any kind. Everybody in the world behaves in a way in which they believe will get their own personal needs met. Many people in the throes of separation or divorce will consciously and sometimes even unconsciously, try whatever tactics they can to get what they want even if it means shooting themselves in the foot and having their intentions back fire on them. In the course of doing this they put their partners in a position of weakness, vulnerability and fire huge great arrows into their self-esteem and self-confidence. They do this in so many ways, verbally, in underhand dealings, lying, by physical intimidation, through emails, on the telephone and texting (and even face book and twitter) and also via other people and they do it to get personal gratification at their partner’s expense. So here’s what I suggest you do if you have one of these people bullying you to get their own way to the detriment of your sanity, peace of mind and your own specific needs.

As soon as your ex begins to speak to you or confront you in a way that is demanding, demeaning or indecent in any way (and if you are able to keep yourself safe at the time) ask yourself a question. ‘Are they talking about me or are they actually talking about themselves’. One client told me that her ex husband never missed an opportunity to blame her for everything that had gone wrong in their marriage, his own life and how his future has also been ruined by her and ranted on for hours at a time. I asked her to turn it around. Hear him actually say, ‘I blame myself for everything that has gone wrong in our marriage, in my own life and whatever will go wrong in my future’. Because this is what he is really saying. I have not met a bully yet, who was not actually talking about themselves when they accuse or abuse you in some way. They are far more afraid of everything that they lay in your lap than you could ever be and they know it. But because they think they know your weak spots, they will come at you, all guns blazing, to project all their FEAR’s and PEAR’s (see previous blogs) on you. Do not take it. Do not give away your power so easily.

You know the truth in your heart and it will differ greatly from theirs. Even when using the mildest form of manipulation or control they are really expressing their own fears. A less aggressive, but nonetheless upsetting, example from my own *ex husband* is that he would try to mess with my mind with the often-used phrase: “every one says… (You are this or that)”. What he didn’t realise was that I was not in the slightest bit concerned about what anyone said about me. Firstly there was not much to say, secondly there was no ‘everyone’ who was that that interested in our situation and thirdly I always have and always will dance to my own tune. It was of course it was all about him. Turn it around. It was him who would simply hate to think that others would be speaking badly about him so he created an imaginary consensus of opinion to try and tell me how wrong I was and how everyone agreed. Its childish, but it doesn’t have to be overt bullying; it can be quite low key, but upsetting for you all the same.

I feel very strongly about this. If you are experiencing confusing messages, subtle threats, mental manipulation or god forbid, physical abuse, (in which case get out quick!), turn it around in your mind and play it right back to them. They are always talking about themselves and not you. Once you hear it, you’ll be able to let it wash over you while you get on and do what you have to do to move forward with your life.

If you are reading this and recognise any of the above situations in your own life and you would like a find even more ways to regaining your identity, and maintain your sanity, please do call me. Your comments would also be welcome by everyone who reads this blog.

Till tomorrow,

Love Francine

*PS regarding ‘ex-husband’, he is long since forgiven. Probably because, as I said in my book The Divorce Doctor, I never would be who I am or where I am without the gift of our divorce. As I said yesterday, there is always a Gift in the Garbage!