So, Alice* wrote to me on Saturday morning desperate for some answers. Divorced 5 years ago she hadn’t really gotten her head round the ‘dating thing’. Now, though, she’d now met an ‘amazing’ man whom she had fallen for over the past four months of dating. She begged me to tell her what steps she could take to ‘guarantee’ that she would create a lasting relationship. Aaarghh!!!

I’m so sorry to disappoint you Alice, but I cannot give you any skills that would ‘guarantee’ a lasting relationship. Yes, there are certain ways to behave that can stop you from coming on too strong at the beginning of your relationship, but less than 6 months you are just getting to know someone anyway. You may have gotten close physically and learned a lot about each other, but it truly is the ‘honeymoon’ stage and whilst its fabulous that its working now, (because you have to start somewhere), a relationship goes through lots of phases of growth and even after a year or two there is no guarantee that it will last for ever.

The alternative is not to get into relationships, but that would be very sad. All of us want to share our lives as some point, so you have to be realistic and begin at the beginning and be prepared to see if both of you are right for each other further down the line. I realise that’s a risk and you don’t have to take it. But if you do, know that it does not come with guarantees.

So Alice, lets look at this rationally. Your job is to make sure that you are as in love with being in your own life as you are being in his life. Our partners are always the icing on our cake and we remain the whole cake. If you have ‘ingredients’ missing that you believe he will provide, then you need to go back to basics and make yourself happy and whole before you are really ready to share your life with someone else. We all know how fabulous it can be to be in love and be with someone who feels special to us and makes us feel special. Our lives are defined by the quality of our relationships and we all love to share our lives with others. It magnifies all our experiences of fun and adventures and makes them even juicier. So here’s my take on this.

Carry on enjoying your relationship. Don’t let your fearful thoughts take over because he will experience them as you changing and becoming clingy, even if you don’t voice them. On the other hand you don’t have to stick around any unacceptable behaviour of his. Guys, tell me if I am wrong here, but you seem to prefer direct speech and if there is something us ladies are concerned about, you would prefer to know in an adult and non-accusatory way. One thing I have found is that you don’t like questions like ‘where is this relationship going?’ because often times you have not even given it much thought and anyway, you really don’t know. Your feelings and emotions will tell you where it’s going, if its going anywhere and nothing we say will convince or persuade you one way or another until you are ready. So Alice, the best thing you can do is chill and enjoy yourself. Make sure you have plenty going on in your own life. Pull back from the relationship yourself now and then and check back in with you. Don’t be an ‘automatic yes’ when really you would rather enjoy an evening in by yourself or out with the girls. The main thing is that as long as your man and you are having fun and you are part of each other’s lives openly and honestly, stick with it.

At this early stage there is no need to initiate a ‘deep and meaningful conversation’ but if he does ask you what you want for the future, be clear. I can promise you he will be. So do you want kids? Do you want to get married? Do you want to live in another country? No harm in stating what you eventually want because he needs to be clear and if he doesn’t want anything like what you want, you’ll find out pretty quick. Mostly in the early stages if you are communicating well, you will get a pretty good idea of where he is in his life. What that means is that you have to be honest with yourself about what you want and where you are and not hang around too long hoping you’ll be the one to ‘change him’. Ask any guy if that’s possible and they will either laugh or look at you as if you are an alien from another planet!

In the meantime, stop frightening yourself and keep your heart open and warm. This doesn’t mean you hand it over. It means you keep it open and loving whilst knowing that it’s firmly inside your own skin, completely protected by you.

I have some fabulous strategies that could help you and all the ‘Alice’s’ out there, so if you are dating again and want to learn how to keep your heart open with out getting it broken, just give me a call. (PS Guys, I also have some fabulous strategies that every man should know about dating women!).

Look forward to hearing from you,

Till tomorrow,

Love Francine

*Alice’s name has been changed to protect her privacy.