Competitive Love

I had a very interesting conversation over the weekend. We were discussing ‘combative relationships’. This is where one person feels like they are in competition with the other. Instead of being each other’s greatest supporter, these couples end up vying for top position, trying to prove to themselves and presumably their partner, that they are ‘better than’ in some way. Its almost like they are saying if you shine any brighter than me, you will diminish my brightness and so I have to do something - anything, that will ensure I am seen and recognized by you, by others and by myself.

This is incredibly tiring and totally relationship destroying behaviour. So why are so many couples in relationships where they are competing for the limelight and in many cases putting each other down and tearing their relationship to shreds?

The reason is ‘Identity’. If one of you feels like your identity is suppressed over time, there are two ways to react – fight or flight. Flight means you will possibly become withdrawn, feel lacking in confidence and eventually ‘de-pressed’. I put it like that because depression is often times a ‘depression of the identity’. Its like your personal identity – who you know yourself to be, is pressed down until all the life is squeezed out of it. Fight on the other hand, often means that one person will do whatever they can think of to make sure they get the attention they need so that they experience being seen and acknowledge for who they believe they are. Fight leaves the debris of a broken relationship in its wake. Both ways are relationship destroying.

I have seen this happen with both men and women in the following ways:

A man aged 45 with three kids 7, 9 and 11 is made redundant. Unable to find work for months on end he spends more time at home doing ‘jobs’ and picking the kids up from school whilst looking desperately for more work. His role as provider, or at least equal provider, is non-existent and he can no longer identify himself as his job title, or as responsible provider, and his ability to be patient and loving and in any way fun, gets more and more de-pressed. He feels redundant, ashamed and purposeless. In order to experience some kind of equilibrium he begins to critisise his partners housekeeping skills, and anything else he can think of to prove that his skills are more effective, or far better than hers. Arguments begin. Why? Because the identity that he had is no longer and because our ego’s are such fragile entities, it’s vital that he creates a new one in order to survive. Or so he thinks.

A woman aged 45, two kids aged 12 and 14 is restless. Having brought up the kids and been a great homemaker her part time job no longer holds any fulfillment for her. She has ‘outgrown’ the person she has been. She needs to reinvent herself and create meaningful work that will give her a sense of satisfaction and rebuild her identity. Her partner suggests she works with him. She does. It doesn’t work. She wants to be recognized within the business by their staff, suppliers and contractors in the same way her partner is. She begins to make waves that impact the relationship and the business. She believes that after staying at home to bring up the family and beautifully entertain his clients so he could build the business, she is without doubt as much part of it as he is. He is unused to having her in his domain and does not want to be partners at work in the same way he is at home. She makes more waves and the arguments begin. If she cannot have an identity and be recognized by him and everyone else involved, then who is she? How can her potential be realized if she doesn’t have a voice or a purpose in this next stage of her life?

Here’s what could have happened:

In the first case it would have worked so much better if both partners had been able to anticipate the challenges that come with a man who no longer has a job. If it happened suddenly this is much harder to do, but a Plan B is always a good tool to have up your sleeve. Taking into account that this could be a short term or longer-term proposition, roles needed to be redefined and both partners need to find ways to be open and express their feelings and expectations and compassionately take into account how the other is coping. In times of change assuming that things will work themselves out is a strategy for disaster. Awareness of what might happen and the need to protect the relationship is so important.

This is exactly where I step in to help couples come to terms with their current situation and create an action plan going forward to keep their relationship on track so that they can best support each other through tough times. When the going gets tough the tough get tougher – and the strength of any relationship can be measure by how a couple negotiates change and survives. It’s very hard to do this without help because you are so ‘in it’ you cannot see the wood for the trees.

In the second scenario if she had been able to understand her changing needs and her partner had understood these needs, he would have been able to support her regain her own identity and carve out a new role or career path for herself. She needed to understand where her passions and skills could be best used and in order to fully use her potential the two of them could have discussed the most effective route for her to take. And it would probably not have been working together! Once again, this is exactly where I step in to help partners understand their changing needs.

There is no need for competitive love. Any combative relationship has deeper needs that must be recognized and addressed. It’s vital that we retain a sense of ourselves in our intimate relationship. When we feel good enough about ourselves we are able to wave each other’s flags and encourage each other to be the best they can be without feeling like we are in a competition to see who is the best partner. When both partners are satisfied in their roles, and can each bring a richness to the relationship, the relationship will flourish and remain buoyant.

Right now millions of us are going through changes financially and spiritually. Our lives are unpredictable. Many people are experiencing challenges that really mess up their plans and their minds. Being able to cope with change and still stay in love is not easy. If you are in this position, please call me for a no obligation preliminary chat because I can give you the skills and tools to keep your relationship on track. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. The last thing you need right now is to be pulled apart when more than ever you need to pull together.

Think about it. And know that I’m here whenever you are ready to make that call.

Love Francine