So you think you are absolutely right and justified to feel the way you do about your partner’s behaviour. There is nothing acceptable about her rudeness, his withdrawal, the fact that he takes his mother’s side or that she spends too much.
Well, perhaps you are right. Perhaps you have a whole stack of evidence to back up your grievances over the past months and years and now you find yourself stuck in blame and resentment that can easily erupt into harsh words at the slightest provocation. Sadly, playing the Blame Game only causes you more upset and pain and never resolves the real hurt that lives unexpressed, just below the surface.
Just for a moment, consider another perspective. What if your partner was not wrong? What if, as I believe, there is no random behaviour, so the fact that they behave the way they do, means they do it for a reason. And mostly the reason is to get their own needs met when it seems highly unlikely that you would meet their needs even if they wanted you to.
To begin to imagine this, you would have to suspend your belief that the way your partner behaves is some mystical plot against you. You’d have to imagine that they just didn’t know any other way of meeting their needs.
He withdraws. Why? Because he has nothing to say that he believes would be of use, or he doesn’t know what you want him to say or he has not had time to think it through, or he just doesn’t want to go down that road as it always leads to upset.
She badgers and nags. Why? Because she wants to be heard and understood, wants to get connected immediately, wants truly to hear how he ‘feels’, wants to know she is loved and wants to talk about the situation even if there is no resolution at the end.
Two very different ways of operating and neither is right or wrong. It’s the typical male/female way of behaving.
Most of the upsets we have in relationship come from the lack of understanding about how we operate in relationship as men and women. This basic lack of knowledge combined with the refusal to learn new ways of communicating causes the couple to sink into an abyss of blame and resistance towards each other.
So here is a suggestion. Just for today decide not to play the blame game. Decide that however bizarre or incomprehensible your partner’s behaviour is, all you are going to do is to just get curious. You are an alien from another planet and have no idea why they are behaving the way they do.
In your mind say to yourself, Francine said ‘there is no random behaviour’. If this is the case, it means that my partner is behaving this way to get their needs met. The question is what is their need right now? Then ask them the question. ‘What do you need right now’. Or just imagine in your own head what they could possibly need right now which would manifest their behaviour. Even if it looks like their need impinges on your needs, at least you will know that it has nothing to do with you and is more to do with what they want.
If it really isn’t a big deal, why resist? What’s the point you are trying to make here?
Likewise, if you have a need or something you want, express that need clearly and directly. See through the story you have about how difficult and stubborn your partner is, change your internal dialogue about them and notice what happens.
The reason for doing this? Because here you are together. You may want to be together forever and even if you don’t, you certainly are for now. Playing the Blame Game gets you pain on top of blame. So the big question is ‘Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in relationship’. The first causes conflict the second creates communication. Which do you choose?
Till tomorrow,
Love Francine
