I love this question! It’s one I was asked just a few days ago and I have been pondering it and researching the answer. It turns out that the answer is like ‘how long is a piece of string’, but with emotions attached.

So because that’s a bit vague I posed the question to four men and five women and guess what? Males and females think quite differently on this subject. No surprise there then!

The women said that if you are completely indifferent about your ex lover and do not hold on to any fantasy about getting back together, then you probably can be friends. Two women said you could even be friends if you still fancy your ex lover but know for sure in your heart that you truly would not want to be back with them long term after the lust had been satiated. All of them said that if you hold out even a glimmer of hope that you might get back together then the ‘friendship’ may be a means to an end and has the possibility of leading to heartache and pain.

All the guys said that they definitely can be friends with ex lovers. The ones I have ‘interviewed’ said guys are able to compartmentalize. This means that if they have an ex-lover pegged as a friend, they are quite able to keep to the ‘friendship’ and let go of any fantasies about getting back together because if they had wanted that to happen, they would just say so, even if it meant risking rejection. One guy even worked in the same office every day with an ex lover without a moments problem. When asked if, as a result of realizing how wonderful the friendship was, could they fall back in love again, we had a hung jury. Two out of the four said that once they had compartmentalized they would not let their emotions go down that route and the other two said it may be possible but they would definitely not want their ex lover to put their lives on hold for them in the hope that it could happen.

My clients’ experiences and my own allows me to draw the conclusion that it really does depend if friendship was part of the relationship in the first place. If you loved being together and really enjoyed each other’s company and truly felt like friends as well as lovers, and if you are mature enough to handle your emotions, it would be such a shame to not be friends. In fact it’s possible that you could develop an even deeper level of friendship because you had shared intimacy and had been close on both levels. And, if the relationship was built on good communication (rather than built on image, and sustained by ego) and the two of you are able to have a very healthy dialogue to reposition the relationship, then anything is possible.

Furthermore, if the couple were able to address the issues that arose in the romantic relationship that stopped them from being together long term and were able to express these honestly to each other, then the romantic relationship will have provided a wonderful opportunity for growth for them both. Which means that it’s not only possible to have a strong and sustainable friendship but it also provides each with someone who is willing to express to them what others may never express, which will be invaluable to their own personal growth.

Of course another important factor to include is the passing of time between when the romance ended and the new friendship begins. Some people need several months, others several years to allow the initial pain of ending the relationship in its original form to lessen, before even contemplating speaking to each other let alone entertaining the thought of friendship. And, in cases where the couple cannot speak openly and honestly about the issues that arose in their romantic relationship, it’s unlikely that a true friendship will be established. In situations where trust was an issue and the relationship broke down for this reason, it would be very hard to rebuild any kind of relationship unless there was evidence that this issue was resolved.

Lastly I guess it’s down to both of you to decide what you want the friendship for. You may decide that you have enough friends already without adding old lovers to the mix. Or you may decide that good friends are worth having and friendship with your old lover will be healing and heart warming. Just be clear what you both want and make a pact to inform each other if your feelings change. Begin this new relationship just as you would any other. From a place of understanding, honesty and if you decide to - an intention to be loving friends.

Love Francine