The news is that Lenny Henry and Dawn French are splitting up. Bel Mooney reports in the Daily Mail that they will remain ‘Best Friends’. Bel is a little cynical that this is a possibility, having tried it herself with less than perfect results and has written about it in her new book. Its such an interesting subject that on Tuesday 3rd August at 9.30am-10am I will be talking to Kaye Adams at Radio Scotland about this very subject.

So the question is, Can you really stay friends when it all falls apart?

Obviously the answer is that it’s different for everyone, but one thing’s for sure – it’s not possible to do it immediately to any great extent. All of us, whether you are the leaver or the levee, need time to digest what’s happened and grieve for the ending of the relationship (even if it was dreadful by the time it ended). Most of us will know that even a short relationship can leave you feeling less than buoyant at its end, so anything over 5 years and up to 25 and towards 40 years, can be life shattering. With the best will in the world, you have to be realistic. Unless both of you have decided together to call time on the relationship (or one of you is trying to keep the other ‘sweet’ to get the best possible ‘deal’ financially or around the kids) most people find it a challenge to even remain cordial. So the amount of time it takes to become ‘friends’, depends upon your emotional strength and the thoughts your emotions evoke.

Let me explain using a simple strategy. Right now take your ‘Emotional Temperature’. This is something I talk about in my book The Divorce Doctor. If (1) was ‘I am feeling very low emotionally’ and (10) is ‘ I am as buoyant emotionally as it gets’, what’s the score you would give yourself? If its 7 or below, ask yourself, what was I thinking that created a score below 7. Once you become consciously aware of the thought that created the emotional response you are at least in a position to choose whether or not you want to hold that thought. Usually thoughts producing low scoring emotions are negative. So it stands to reason that holding on to that thought will not bring you authentic pleasure. It may well satisfy your need to be right about how wrong your ex is, but truthfully? That’s a quick fix that has no real joy in it. AND holding on to the negative thought will certainly not help you create a friendship with your ex. So its not until you feel stronger emotionally as a result of healthier thoughts that you even stand the remotest chance of being polite to your ex let alone being ‘Best Friends’.

In Lenny and Dawn’s case, if they have reached this place its not an overnight choice. This break up has gone through a process to get that point and it didn’t’ just happen.

So give yourself a break. I sincerely hope you can be friends one day. Personally I have a good working relationship with my ex. I would be happy to chat to him at any time and if he is unwell or something challenging happens to him, I like to call and check in. And it took a long time to get to that place – mostly because I didn’t have the skills or training I have now. Your job right now if you are in this position is to get yourself healthy in mind and body and build up your emotional strength. What I want to tell you is that you don’t have to wait as long as I did! I have spent the last 16 years creating the skills and tools to help you get there far more easily and much more quickly.

So if its your intention to move on with both your lives with your dignity and sanity in tact, do give me a call and I can do what I do best, which is help you heal your heart and get on with your life.

Till tomorrow,

Love Francine