To explain! Tennis Ace Chris Evert and Golf Legend Greg Norman have split up and the size of their respective ‘balls’ has much to do with it. Allegedly, Chris, to paraphrase Greg’s sister, ‘didn’t like playing second fiddle to Norman’s fame. She didn’t like the fact that Greg had a higher profile and that she was taking a backseat’. And herein lies a very interesting issue. Competitiveness in Relationship.
When one of you has a higher profile career than the other, unless you are prepared to happily wave each other’s flags and not let the green eyed monster of jealousy raise his head, your relationship could easily be doomed to disaster.
If you are top of your particular tree the chances are you had to have a competitive streak to get there. That’s absolutely fine and all power to you. It takes dedication, perseverance, sustainable discipline and a passion that keeps you on your path at all times. What may not work, especially when your own career is moving in a different direction (or you are not able to be in that competitive environment anymore for whatever reason) is to have a partner who is still in the ‘game’. It takes a person who is confident and proud of themselves and their continued contribution to the world, whatever that looks like, to stay loving and supportive of the partner who continues to raise their profile.
When one of you feels inadequate or diminished by the other’s success and then proceeds to sabotage the other with put down’s, withdrawals and disrespect, no amount of encouragement or positive acknowledgement of them will make them feel or behave any better towards you. It’s the beginning of them chipping away at you and the relationship because of their own feelings of inadequacy. If you are the one getting the accolades, the new car, the book published or the audience and your partner can’t handle it, that has to be recognized as their problem not yours and you must not let their negativity bring you down.
On the other hand if you are the one getting all the strokes and you have started to believe in you own hype (rather like footballer John Terry – see ‘A Bridge Too Far’ blog), and you are neglecting or abusing your relationship, then you are also heading for disaster and need to rejoin the real world PDQ!
What I love about Mr. and Mrs. Beckham is that they both have carved out their own identities and Mrs. Beckham, who has tried many things to her credit, has never given up and never put Mr. Beckham down in any way. Denis Thatcher who died in 1983, played the supporting role in the life of Mrs. Thatcher and she had utmost respect for him, even though they were often teased in the press as an odd couple, she being the ‘man’ in the relationship. It takes a great deal of respect for each other’s qualities, as human being’s to keep a relationship alive. It doesn’t matter how big your metaphorical ‘balls’ are. Ultimately if it is impossible for you to be waving each other’s flags and championing each other in private and public and being proud of each other’s achievements, it will spell major problems for your relationship and needs to be addressed.
It’s true to say that in all relationships maintaining your own identity is key to your own personal happiness. Maintaining your identity in relationship is a big part of the work we do when I coach couples. As I have said previously, if you rely on another person for your happiness, or if it’s difficult for you to feel good about yourself when your partner shines so brightly, its time for you to reassess your purpose in life before your relationship is impacted adversely. No one’s light is brighter than anyone else’s unless, of course, you let it be. Something to think about? Do let me know what you think. Your personal comments on this subject would be very welcome.
Till tomorrow,
Love Francine
