Did you know that it’s actually a good thing when men don’t express themselves emotionally?

No really, I mean it!

Ladies, I know this is probably not what you want to hear especially if you have been struggling in your relationship to get your man to express his feelings, and men – this does not entirely let you off the hook – but reading what follows will explain away a lot of frustrations and answers some of your burning questions like:

Why Do Men Go Quiet?

Men, don’t you just hate it when your lady asks you ‘what are you thinking’ just because you are quiet for 5 minutes? The problem is that women ‘reward’ each other with words, so that if a woman goes silent on another woman, it will generally mean she doesn’t really like her or that she is hurt or upset about something. When a man goes quiet, a woman automatically assumes he is upset about something or she has done ‘something’ to upset him.

Correct me if I am wrong guys, but the truth is that most men go quiet when they are in problem solving mode.

In these quiet moments a man is simply in his head figuring out how that table was constructed, who might win the championship or what they need to do about a situation at work. If they are upset about something, they use the same ‘problem solving mode’ to think of ways to fix what’s not working and find a reasonable solution. Now this can take some time and most men do not want to be disturbed during their problem solving process, so questions like ‘what’s the matter’, are most frustrating as it takes them off track. Inevitably they answer ‘nothing’ and hope they can get back on with the process.

Of course because women don’t believe that ‘nothing’ is the matter, a simple thing like him taking some time to think something through in his own head, can turn into world war ‘3 and a half’ before supper.

And then there is the other type of ‘going quiet’ for men. This sometimes happens on holiday or at weekends. Men in relaxation mode are capable of switching off their brains for a while and are quite able to ‘not’ think about anything at all. This is a concept that is entirely odd for a woman to comprehend! Women always think something.

The fact is that hidden in the obvious differences between men and women is the subtler, yet very different way, that men and women process emotions. Understanding the way the man or men in your life processes his emotions can clear up a lot of misunderstandings and bring greater tolerance into your relationships.

Emotional Arousal Comes With a Health Warning!

And there’s more. Did you know that men actually have to protect themselves from getting too emotionally aroused because it’s bad for their health? Truly!

Women used to be known as the ‘weaker sex’ but it turns out that men are the ones who are in many ways, more vulnerable. For example women live longer than men. That’s a fact. And even as babies, premature girls are more likely to survive than premature boys. But why are they protecting themselves?

Men Act and Women Talk

In the first place men’s brains are wired for action when their emotional temperature is raised. Women’s brains on the other hand are wired for talking things through. If a man intuitively believes that his anger could lead to action, possibly violence, or at least actions he may regret, he will recognize instinctively that he needs to ‘put a lid’ on his emotions and stay quiet. Some women call this ‘clamming up’. I love that our language is so descriptive because that’s virtually what he will do.

Secondly, when men were the hunters, there was no place for frightened screams or fearful reactions, so men learned to shut off their emotions and became so hard wired, its now quite natural for them to continue to do so.

And here’s best reason of all why many men will shut themselves off from being aroused emotionally:

I’m a Man – Get Me Out of Here!

As I said, when his emotional temperature is heightened, a man’s first instinct is to withdraw in order to calm down.

Because emotions affect men to act physically, if he hangs around there could be conflictual consequences. And, here’s the killer, (literally), if he stays and gets very emotional, his blood pressure skyrockets and puts him at real risk of having a heart attack. It’s a fact that a man’s blood pressure and immune system takes much longer to return to normal after heightened emotions than it does for a woman. So a man will instinctively know (without really being conscious of it) that he needs to ‘get out of there’ in order to protect himself and his life.

A Little Know Fact: Young Boys Get More Stressed than Girls

Because women are generally the ones who raise children, they need to be more attuned to their emotions so their offspring can survive. So when a young girl hears a baby cry she will experience less stress than a young boy. Studies show that an emotionally arousing trigger such as a baby crying creates much higher levels of stress hormones in boy’s blood streams which is why most grown men will try to avoid emotional situations because, it turns out, that they are actually more sensitive to emotion than women.

And, this sensitivity continues into old age because men are more likely to die soon after the loss of a long term partner but woman who loose their partners live much longer.

Mars and Venus

For men and women to best understand each other, men need to know that a woman likes to offload by talking about her feelings and women need to know that a man will talk in a more practical way about his emotions rather than expressing himself in ‘feeling’ language.

The trick for a man with an upset partner is to ask her if she would like to talk about it without offering advice or solutions. She doesn’t need either. Frankly it will be like a red rag to a bull. All she needs is for her man to just listen and acknowledge her feelings.

The challenge for woman, who observes a change in her man’s energy, is to not ask him how he feels. Instead she could say, ‘perhaps it might be an idea if we did this or that’ about whatever is going on. This makes her listening ‘action orientated’ and is far easier and less threatening on a man’s emotional ears. Remembering that arousing a strong emotion in your man can physically harm his health, means that you will be more aware of sticking to action based outcomes rather than emotional discussions.

New Year – New Relationship

How do you imagine your relationship would benefit if you took all the above on board? Isn’t it possible that it would make it so much easier to discuss emotional issues. The more we learn about how men and women operate in relationship, the more likely it is that many relationships will survive the ups and downs of every day life together.

I’d love to hear your comments about the above as we begin this New Year. And for those of you ending a relationship or beginning a new one, I hope this blog will help you to find a better way of communicating.

Also if you would like some personal support and advice specifically about your relationship, please call me or email me and we’ll have a ‘healthy’ chat!

Love Francine