When you fall out of ‘like’ with your partner, doesn’t it follow that sex is off the menu? And if you cannot fall in ‘like’ with a new partner, then once again, sex is off the menu.

So the moral of the story is that you have to ‘like the one you love’ before you can ‘love the one you like’.

Liking someone enough to want to become lovers and give love a chance to grow, is a prerequisite in any relationship and even when a relationship is well established if couples can’t be friends anymore, the relationship will be heading for rocky times.

Over the weekend I met a couple who had been married for 37 years. I asked them their secret and they both looked at each other and said, almost at the same time, ‘were friends’. And there in a nutshell is the secret to 37 years of sustainable partnership through thick and thin. They like each other enough to have remained friends.

So how do you fall back in like? Well, it may surprise you to know that it’s more about you than it is about your partner.

You have to know exactly what behaviours your partner is exhibiting that you don’t like and ask yourself, ‘what do those behaviours trigger in me?’ What is it about that behaviour that takes away my liking for him/her? The behaviours could be in the form or words or actions and inevitably it will mean that some important values of yours have been trampled all over. The thing is that you may not be completely clear what those values are.

Do you feel upset, irritated, frustrated or overwhelmed? Perhaps you feel trapped, sad, disappointed or unappreciated. Whatever it is that is stopping you liking them right now, dig deep and figure out what or whom their behaviour reminds you of, that triggers upset in you. Then instead of acting irritably or worse, you can express your upset in a way that allows your partner to hear what is really going on for you. Saying ‘I am really unhappy right now’ will not do it. They will not know what you are really unhappy about and will be unable to do anything to help you (even if that’s just listening to you!).

It’s scary to be totally honest in relationships. You take the risk of the other person getting upset, misunderstanding you – at least at first, and of not being really heard and validated because the other person is busy taking your words personally.

More relationships hit the rocks because couples are too afraid to be honest with each than for any other reason. The sad thing is that if the unsaidable (is that a word?) is said, its possible both partners could fall back in like and become lovers once again.

If this is your experience, please don’t struggle with this on your own. If you have fallen out of like with your partner and want to find the route back to love, then give me a call, or email me and let me help you become friends once again.

Love Francine