Mike phoned and told me that his wife had just said that to him. Doesn’t that sound like such a worn out cliché? It tells you nothing and probably everything about how your partner feels about you but what does it really mean?

When I work with individuals and couples, one of the first distinctions I help them to make is the difference between Love and Behaviours.

Its entirely possible to continue to love someone, even after they have let you down or betrayed you in some way. They may have behaved in ways that are totally unacceptable to you and you cannot understand why you still feel like love them. Well, the truth is that its not like the feeling you have always had for them will suddenly go away. It may diminish a bit depending on the severity of the behaviour, (and if you have been abused, it’s a very different story). The point is that from my experience and that of my clients, I believe that if you have loved them once, its highly likely there is still a place in your heart for them even at the end.

But being in love? Well what’s that all about and is it sustainable over time? To continue to ‘Be in Love’ means that every day you re-choose to be with your partner. Every day you choose to cherish them, appreciate them and care for them. It’s a way of ‘being’ that shows them in so many ways from the tiniest gestures to biggest that they are special to you. It may only take a word, a look or a simple touch, but they know from the energy they receive from you that you are ‘in love’ with them.

Loving someone without being in love is more like the love you have for a relative. They are someone you care for a lot but you don’t necessarily have to live with them, see them that often or do things for them or with them on a regular basis.

Knowing that you want to end your relationship because you are not ‘in love’ but still love your partner is a challenging distinction to make, but once made is so liberating because it means you can keep your heart open whilst knowing that the more romantic, more encompassing and passionate part of the relationship may well be complete.

Making the distinction ‘I am not in love’ can also mean that you are more able to address the challenges between you that stand in the way of your being in love and can very often lead to a turn around in your feelings.

Either way, if you hear the words ‘ I love you but I am not in Love with you’, don’t make it mean that your relationship is over. Give me a call and lets make the distinction together about what’s really going on in your relationship. What you discover may be quite surprising for you both.

Love Francine