"My husband is always telling me what to do. How can I keep living with a person who tries to control everyone?" Gail was so frustrated she was almost in tears.

I could hear her frustration but the real issue here is to discover how she (and you) may be cooperating in maintaining an unproductive relationship (with your husband/wife or partner) AND to explore your options for changing.

(For the purposes of grammar I will use ‘he’ for the other’s behavior but be sure I am including ‘she’ for male readers).

What you may well have done is create what I call an ‘unconscious agreement’, to make his needs more important than yours and, even, the family’s. Somewhere along the line, perhaps for a quiet life, he has been able to ‘get away with’ this behaviour because you have let him.

Firstly you have to stop seeing yourself as a victim and him as your controller. That’s because if you see yourself as having no choice, because of his behaviour, you are giving your own power away. You must stop the blame game and change your attitude. In an adult way, point out to him that you can hear that he would like you to do ‘it’ (whatever it is) in the way he has suggested, and tell him you are sure its only because he believes it’s the best way. Thank him for this and then tell him that actually, whilst it may be his way, its not yours. Take responsibility for yourself and change your attitude by expressing yourself with truth and dignity. Yes, there will be consequences. He will manifest whatever behaviour he has in the past that has had you giving in. If you don’t stand firm, once again you give your power away and he knows he can continue as he has always done.

(If you are in a relationship where you are being physically or emotionally threatened, this will help you change the way you think, but you must still take steps to insure your own safety. If you are in danger, your safety must be your first concern).

Lets take a real look at what’s going on here.

Example: "My husband rules our house with an iron hand." Could this be turned into "I have agreed to be ruled by my husband in our marriage? I have done this by doing what he has told me to do (probably) since the beginning of our relationship. I have also taught our children to follow his instructions directly or by setting my behaviour as an example for them."

Example: "She makes all the decisions. She tells me what I can or will do." Try this on for size. “I ask her for her opinion before I choose to do anything. When I want to do something on my own, I virtually ask for her permission; then when she refuses, I don’t do what I’d really like to do and feel resentful’.

Example: "How can I learn to live with a person like this?" could
become: "I choose to live with him because he provides me with things that I want and need, even though I sometimes resent the cost. I am afraid to stand up for what I want because I feel I'll risk losing the emotional and physical security he provides for me. I am also not sure I could make it on my own without him. I don’t have a great deal of confidence in my own ability to take care of myself and our children."

Each restatement is another building block to wake you up so that you move into a position of personal responsibility for the situation. When you do that, you begin to realise that that you do have a choice.

You may feel very strange and unfamiliar with this new perspective, but the more you focus on thinking this way, the quicker you will reclaim your own power.

So where do you give your own power away? Why not make a note of at least 3 ways you give your own power away in your relationship. Seeing it in black and white may be the ‘wake up call’ you need.

And, if you’d like the skills and tools to do it differently, then go ahead and get in touch with me. We’ll have a chat about your specific situation and you’ll find out how you can reclaim your power, stop being a passenger and get back into driving seat of your own life.

Love Francine