*Pete phoned for his session. He’s been dating after his 12-year relationship came to an end and the lady he was seeing ended it two weeks ago after three months. It was a brief amount of time in comparison to his longer relationship, but his pain is intense and trust me, this is not any easier for guys than it is for girls. Pain is pain and when Pete said ‘it only hurts when I breathe’ trying to make light of the dark side of his feelings, my heart went out to him

What do you do with the pain? My new radio programme starts today on Radio Glastonbury at 12pm www.glastonburyfm.co.uk (or you can listen again later or on iTunes) and I am going to talk about this very subject.

In my experience and that of my clients over the past years I have come to believe that if you try to push the pain away or cover it up or try hard to pull yourself together, or get out there trying to find a ‘replacement’ as soon as possible, you actually only put off the inevitable. Which is having to experience the pain.

Years ago, when survival was more important than contemplating your navel and going a bit deeper inside, people did tend to bury their pain and we now know that many illnesses are caused by pent up resentments and unspoken hurts.

One way that I have found to be very effective is the following exercise. If you are experiencing the pain that a broken relationship leaves in its wake, stop resisting and give this a go.

Go to a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Sit down and close your eyes. Bring to mind all your sadness and disappointment and notice where it sits in your body. Is it in your chest, your head, your shoulders, your stomach, solar plexus? Where is the pain? Next notice what the pain feels like. Is it a gripping, is it hard to breathe, do you feel dizzy or nauseous? Describe the pain you are experiencing. Don’t judge it or make up any stories around it. Don’t resist it. Stay with the pain and on the inside open up your heart to make more space for the pain. Imagine that there is more than enough space inside your heart to hold the pain and then expand it even more to make even more space. As you imagine your heart expanding, making room for the pain; breathe into it. If you are crying that’s fine, if you are feeling the pain in your heart that’s fine, if it’s subsiding or settling down that’s fine too. Banish any justifying thoughts about your pain; just be with it.

Can you begin to experience that instead of resisting the pain, opening your heart up to it allows it to live inside you as part of you. Its so important to know that you can feel the pain and that it is as much a part of your being as any other feeling you have. Without making up any judgments or stories about it, the pain is something you actually embrace and allow and then when its ready to subside it will.

Each time it comes back, (and it will) just allow it and take 10 minutes out to do this exercise.

By feeling what we feel without judgments we learn that pain is just as much a part of our human lives as joy. In fact we can often only recognize and appreciate joy and peace after periods of pain and turmoil.

When Pete* said ‘it only hurts when I breathe’, in fact he was probably holding his breath and denying the part of him which needs to be fully expressed, felt and allowed in order to heal. It’s not possible to break your heart but you can keep it closed. Just for today, keep it open, breathe into it and know that if you give yourself time you will heal and in the not too distant future you’ll be very ready to love again.

Till tomorrow,

Love Francine