Today I witnessed the most fascinating lightbulb moment.

I’m coaching *Sarah and John* who have gone from soulmate to stalemate. They cannot get past the stuck place that keeps them both unhappy.

Nothing particularly unusual about that. Couples come to me specifically for help in unsticking themselves.

And, by the way, it’s a familiar story. As Sarah tries to pull John towards her, John pulls away. (Of course this easily be the other way round. No sexism here.). The one thing each of them both want from each other is lost in translation somewhere in the ether. They may be sitting in Stanmore but they might just as well be talking in Swahili.

And that was the story. Until today. Today, something startling happened. I was facilitating the Imago Dialogue that I use to help couples communicate in a unique, deep and respectful way and Sarah had a light bulb moment.

She suddenly realized what John needed in order for him to feel safe and loved by her. In an instant, she let go of her resistance – in holding on to the justification of her position; in endless stories that backed up how right she was about how he did not meet her needs and something shifted. She crossed the border into his world and saw immediately what he needed.

Then, and this is really huge, she offered to do whatever it took to make him feel safe and loved. All she asked was that he made it really clear to her how she could do that. She let go of all her assumptions about knowing him well enough, and invited him to teach her about his needs, his desires and what specific actions she could take to satisfy him.

Plus, and you’ll love this, she said that ‘there were no strings attached’, that there were no conditions to her giving him what he needed. She would ask for zilch in return, only that he specifically let her know his needs in a way that would guarantee, if she followed his instructions, that he would get what he was asking for.

Why this is so huge is that she put her intention to be in relationship above her own needs. She said that she was willing to do whatever it took to make John feel safe and loved and only then, when he had enough evidence (and there was no time limit) and he told her so, would Sarah feel safe enough herself to make any requests. From a position of knowing that she could heal his pain, and only from that place, would she feel comfortable in asking him for help healing hers.

Now this rarely happens. Most people want to cut a deal. ‘I’ll do this for you if you do that for me’. The myth of unconditional love doesn’t hold up well in intimate relationships.

To be honest, I don’t think she’d do this for years and years, but she indicated that she’d give it 6 months at least.

And wait. Guess what happened next? This is very interesting.

He realized that this was as challenging for him as it was for her. Why? Because now he’d have to open up and tell her exactly what he wanted (instead of his usual ‘I don’t know how I feel/what I want/what you can do reactions) so that he could get it, which is exactly where his challenges lie.

The story he has made up about himself is that ‘its not worth making a fuss’ because no one will come to the rescue so he should just get on with it (whatever ‘it’ is) alone.

Having to do it on your own is not really a recipe for success in relationship. It’s fine if you want to be in relationship with yourself, but pretty disconnecting when you have a partner.

I am waiting to see how this one pans out. Can she do it I wonder? Can she get out of her own way enough to find out what’s going on for him instead of assuming the whole thing is a plot against her. Can he let her know what he needs and explode his own personal myth about having to do alone when she meets his needs?

And this, ladies and gentleman is the power of the process that couples (and individuals) experience when they work with me.

Imagine having your own lightbulb moments when the whole mystery of being in your relationship dissolves in front of your own eyes.

What was fascinating to me was that as I witnessed her eureka moment, I saw her whole face change from tight to relaxed. In a split second she looked 5 years younger. I kid you not! When I asked her what she was experiencing she said ‘relief’.

So call me. Don’t struggle with your own stalemate. Let me at least give you the skills and tools to find out how the person you once loved so much has become someone you almost don’t recognize.

You know where to find me.

Love Francine

** names changed for privacy