You always have exactly the right partner for you. It may not seem like it right now, if things are less than rosy. And if you are not in a relationship right now, you may think, ‘I won’t read this because it doesn’t apply to me’, but read on because either way it does – I promise.

Bear with me on this one. Here’s the premise. Our partners - the ones we choose, the ones who choose us and even the ones we ‘just meet randomly’ – are seeing in us a reflection of themselves and we of them. It doesn’t really matter who you draw into your life, if they hang around for a decent amount of time, chances are they’ll be unconsciously seeing in you what they see in themselves.

So when people come to see me and their relationships are crumbling or when I have some one tell me that they always seem to attract the same kind of partner, or some one says that they thought they had found the perfect partner and yet he or she pulled away, I know that both partners are mirroring each other. And, if I can only get them to see this and understand where it comes from, they could actually help each other to heal the deepest wounds (they that may not even be aware of) in each of them. They don’t know it, but they are each other’s greatest gift, if only they would hang around with each other long enough to find out.

All of us have deep seated fears based on old beliefs we have created about what we can and cannot expect from relationship. For example, if I believe (albeit unconsciously) that being in relationship contains the risk of rejection, it’s likely that I’ll attract relationships that contain the possibility of rejection. Now, either they will be the one to reject me – or because I perceive the possibility of rejection or believe I am being rejected in some way, I will reject them. What I won’t do is stick around when it gets uncomfortable. Because unless my partner is mutually invested in us being together, and wants to work it out, what’s the point of hanging around for more pain.

Paradoxically, they will be playing out the same fears as me because, regardless of the circumstances of our upbringing, both of us will have experienced rejection from either or both parents in some form or another at sometime when we were living with them. Perhaps mum and dad had a very close relationship that excluded the child. Perhaps dad left or mum and dad got divorced. Perhaps mum did not love you in the way you wanted to be loved and was not affectionate, perhaps she worked or studied and was not available most of the time, or perhaps dad never played with you or took any notice of you. Perhaps you had to behave in a certain way to gain their approval/love and if you didn’t or you got it wrong, you’d feel rejected (even if you couldn’t articulate it). Perhaps either parent was ill, or alcoholic or worked away from home or perhaps there was abuse of some kind that you witnessed or experienced.

There may be other reasons to feel ‘rejected’ if you dig deeper and take a look. When our parents are not there for us in some way, we become resilient and find ways of coping but we hold in our bodies and in our psyche a resistance to fully committing to love and letting ourselves go to that vulnerable place of openness with our partners because we never want to feel that pain of rejection again. Of course that leads to the very thing we don’t want – you’ve got it – rejection.

Many people can sustain long marriages without properly connecting until one of them realizes that they feel empty and undernourished in the relationship. They can’t always put their finger on it, but they know they feel disconnected and ‘on their own’. At this point, one or the other of them may have an affair in an attempt to ‘feel’ emotionally re-connected to someone else, to feel alive again, almost desperately needing the experience of being wanted and seen. Usually they choose someone with whom the possibility of a future is fraught with difficulties, but they blunder on regardless because they want the immediacy of personal gratification and to be rid of that emotionally or physically ‘numbed out’ feeling that they had in their relationship.

Some people are in a fog of denial that anything is wrong with their relationship and withdraw into themselves or their work or sport or anywhere that their partners cannot reach them. Mostly they feel misunderstood, scared and unsafe. They are acutely aware of what they perceive is their partner’s criticism and judgment (all forms of rejection) and pull back within themselves. What happens next is that their partner will phone me in distress and say, ‘he just won’t talk to me’. Even when this happens I know that both of them are feeling the same thing. The fear of rejection from both of them is palpable.

In order to be in a fully functioning relationship that goes deeper than just a surface domesticity or further than a short-term liaison, you’ll need to understand what’s going on beneath the façade you manifest to the world. If you don’t, your relationships will either dissolve, or at best, remain shallow. Or you will find it hard to commit to a new relationship because you believe that you could never trust someone enough to expose your fears to or be understood by or, you have no desire to open a Pandora’s box for you or your partner. This is not what relationship is all about.

The only way to heal and be both free and together and to grow is in relationship. It will require the risk of getting into a dialogue with each other which will take you both to a new level of bonding and understanding, so you can experience a relationship free from worry or concern.

The truth is that all these old beliefs are just old energy that your body took on in reaction to what was happening at the time. The energy transmuted into a belief about who you are and how life is for you. None of this is true. Its just old beliefs. The second truth is though, that you can only work this out inside relationship. Anything outside is just theory.

I am now working with couples who truly want to have outstanding, connected and passionate relationships with no holes barred. We are using a specific dialogue that cuts to the chase compassionately and quickly. If that’s what you want for your relationship then call me. We’ll have a chat. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You truly can turn your relationship around in a heartbeat – all you have to do is call.

Love Francine