This is what a very wise man said to me late last night. We were discussing how to separate your emotions from situations, circumstances and being able to separate your emotions from your relationships so that you can really assess them with focus and clarity and it got me thinking (and you all know that it doesn’t take much to get me in that place!).

The question is if you love – does that defy logic? If your child were a serial killer, would you still love him? If your wife gets you deep into debt and you lose everything – do you still love her? Logic and rationale would tell you that these behaviours are unacceptable so how come your heart may still be open to those who hurt you in any way?

Many people believe that love is an emotion. Isn’t it true that we ‘feel’ love. So if love is a feeling then it must be an emotion right? But love actually has components. In order to love we have to have a strong emotional regard and affection or devotion to the person (or even the experience). So do we create those emotions without logic?

Many people believe that love is about attachment to the person or immersing themselves in an experience and others who are more spiritual will tell you that true love is about non-attachment – ‘if I love you I set you free’ type of love'.

My ‘thought for today’ which arrived in my email box this morning read “Peace ends when you are emotionally involved in a situation”. Maybe that’s why emotional love is such a rollercoaster of so many different emotions that takes you on a journey that is far from stable and calm in many cases. Where as a less emotional love – that is a love that has no reason to provide you with anything, emotionally, physically or mentally - is the goal, the aim, the nirvana that we are all striving for. Maybe that’s unconditional love. A love that is pure, that doesn’t have to fulfill a need of ours but is given freely because we cannot help but love.

Perhaps separation and divorce is the only time you can look at love with logic. You say ‘I love this person, but their behaviours are unacceptable to me. If they don’t want to work hard to change them, then I will leave’. Logic prevails. (Although coming to this conclusion can take a long time).

Perhaps, you like me, may find that you continue to love ex partners but that doesn’t mean you condone their behaviours, although you still have a place in your heart – a compassion and an empathy – for them.

And why is it important anyway? Because Love Is. Love is all there is. When people die and they meant a lot to us, we grieve and we are grieving for the way they loved us. It seems irreplaceable. No one will ever love us that way again. That’s a thought that you can turn into a belief if you choose, and its not true, but it certainly ‘feels’ true in the early days of bereavement.

Ending a relationship is a like a bereavement in many ways. If we make it mean it’s the end of us giving or receiving love, its like the world has ended. We need love as energy of good will, good health, for ourselves and for others.

I cannot ever be cynical about love. Every day we have the possibility to give love through our work, through the people we meet for tiny brief interludes. Sometimes its tough love. We say ‘no’ and we know that our ‘no’ will impact the other but we also know that when they respect our boundaries it gives them permission to put their own boundaries in place. We say ‘yes’ and we have to take responsibility for the consequences of our ‘yes’ which is sometimes misplaced love. And in both cases I believe we are required to keep our hearts open at all times.

If you are struggling right now to understand your own emotions in relationship and to decide whether to be ruled by your head or your heart, please call me. I’ll show you a way to make choices and move forward that keep love alive for you whether you decide to stay together or be apart.

I would also welcome your comments on this subject, which is eternal and will the main discussion for most of us for the rest of our lives.

Till Tomorrow,

Love Francine