On Thursday night this week, my best friend’s little granddaughter died peacefully in her sleep. She would have been 2 years old today. Her mummy and daddy who have one other little girl of 4 will need huge reserves of love and compassion for each other not to fall apart and abandon each other in their individual grief. When death hit us hard in the face, the only way of surviving is to hold on tight to those around us who share our pain and understand and not let go for an instant.
It’s been a tough few days and I have tried to support my friend as best as I can. And what I have realised is that the best way to support someone you love when words are entirely inadequate is to just hold them and be there for them.
Couples who experience such an unimaginable crisis as this (and that may be your experience or the experience of someone you know), need so much support from those close to them in the days, weeks, and months to come. They are on a terrible roller coaster of emotions. No behaviour is random. All reactions to whatever happens that may seem incomprehensible to outsiders are survival strategies that they use to try to ease the pain.
You can expect angry outbursts, hopeless tears and periods of withdrawal as numbness deadens their feelings when the feelings get too overwhelming to cope with.
For couples going through this together, the strain on their relationship is exceptional. Both need as much understanding from those around them without any platitudes, and professional and immediate support from bereavement counsellors is advisable.
After a long time has passed, long enough to feel that even if they wanted to, they cannot cry any more tears, the couple need to return to each other. Often this is challenging and some couples find it almost impossible to get their lives together back on track. Its not that they blame the other, its just that the other represents a piece of their missing child and psychologically at a very deep level, this is so hard to deal with.
I work with couples who have experienced bereavement to help them put their lives back together again. Sometimes the bereavement is due to illness, or accident, murder or even when the child has taken their own life. All of these situations are incredibly hard to accept and yet unless they can find some way of accepting it over time, it will have a desperate impact on the relationship between them.
If you are in this situation or know couples that are, please ask them to contact me in total confidentiality so I can help them to find the love in each other that will keep them together.
With Blessings to Jemima
Love Francine
