Well, I’d be surprised if you consciously chose pain, but the fact is that everyday many people are choosing pain instead of pleasure because they don’t believe they have a choice.

If you are reading this blog, chances are you either want to improve your relationship or you are going through a difficult time with it, and perhaps it has broken down irretrievably. You could have just recently separated from your partner but whatever place you are at right now; you have two ways of dealing with it. One guarantees you pain, the other has at least a chance to move you into a better space. Here’s how it works.

If you believe someone has hurt you, or at least caused you discomfort for whatever reason, or if you believe you are the one who has caused pain, your reaction to this person, will either cause you pain or not. I am not saying that if someone has hurt you that you condone his or her behaviour. What I am suggesting is that you are totally in control of how you choose to react for the next few minutes, hours, days, weeks or even years. Even if there has been something really quite dreadful happen to you, the way you choose to react, all day long, will either cause you pain or, at the very least, move you away from pain and toward something a little bit better.

Lets take ‘Steve’. He is a self-professed chocoholic. When he feels good he will eat chocolate in normal amounts, but when something emotional happens to discomfort him, he will eat a lot of chocolate in abnormal amounts. He is, as a result of his reaction to what happens to him, very fat. This makes him miserable and he beats himself up for his lack of willpower. Steve ‘chooses’ pain. If he knew another way, he would do it differently, but as yet, he doesn’t.

Here is an example of another way. Something happens. It doesn’t really matter what because something is always happening. The strength of the something that happens is measured by the impact it has on you emotionally. Your assessment of the ‘something that happened’ is the key. If you make it mean something negative about you – that you are not this or that, or you cannot have what you want, or that you will lose out in some way, or you make it mean virtually anything that contains a negative judgement about your life – guess what? Pain!

Now this may sound simplistic and it is. Because the only thing that keeps you from moving away from pain immediately are the meanings you attach to what happens to you in your life. So, just for today, notice what you make things mean. Choose from something that has slightly irritated you right through to a major league upset or frustration. Ask yourself, ‘what did I make it mean negatively about me’? Listen to your own reply. See what I mean? What if it didn’t mean that? What else could it mean and how would that alter your position? Something to think about?

Now how about a big hand for Pleasure. Personally, much my favourite option of the two. For example, when people acknowledge you for something you have done, learn how to say ‘thank you’ rather than say ‘oh it was nothing’. Don’t devalue your contribution. To that end I just want to say a huge big thank you to all the lovely people who have responded to my blogs. That gives me lots of pleasure! Your feedback is very much appreciated and it’s good to know that you are finding the blogs useful. (And ‘J’ - thank you. A little x-rated, but flattering all the same). So if you have not commented as yet, please do so when something strikes a chord with you. Some of you have had some great suggestions for what you’d like more of and I will be writing about these subjects over the next weeks.

Till tomorrow,

Love Francine