Well, I just had an exhilarating hour with Kaye Adams at Radio Scotland discussing whether a divorced mother should be allowed to leave Middlesborough to move 19 hours away to a remote Scottish island with her new husband and take her kids away from their father.

The court ruled that she could not do this and because it was a court ruling it would mean that the children themselves had been consulted closely about what they wanted.

I would love to know what you think about this ruling. Here’s my take on it all.

I am going to take a very strong stance. Kid’s Don’t Divorce – parents do!
This means that for whatever reason a couple breaks up, if there are kids involved, the welfare of those kids come first and that includes their contact with their biological parents which evidence, science and statistics shows, is the most important relationship in our lives.

But what about… I can hear you say! Because you can probably think of a dozen or so situations that would argue with the above.

So lets take the worst-case scenario. Bear with me here. When couples come to see me, my aim is to help them to understand how they were both, in some way responsible for the problems in their relationship. And that even applies to abuse, both physically and emotionally. Most of us don’t experience such traumas, but some of us do. So in this worst-case scenario how can the person who has experienced the abuse be in any way responsible? Well, if you allow someone to treat you badly once, the chances are they will try it again. And again and again. Until you are in so much fear and pain, that leaving is your only choice.

But what about the kids? In these circumstances, the children’s safety comes first and the outcome for the kids is almost obvious. If mum can look after them away from dad (if dad was the abuser for example – and it is vice-versa too), then that’s what will be decided. If not, other arrangements will be made.

But in cases where anything other than abuse is the reason for the breakup, its vitally important that each person understands how their way of behaving, based on some very old patterns and beliefs formed in childhood, has played itself out in the relationship and been a contributor to its breakdown. I have yet to meet a couple where I do not discover that each has played a specific (albeit unconscious) role in the relationship’s demise (even when abuse has been present).

This is the basis of my work and when couples understand how these dynamics have played themselves out; their feelings of blame and resentment towards each other begin to lose their intensity and hold. In their place we create an understanding that given who they were in that relationship, it was inevitable that they would end up where they currently are.

At this point, we can address the matter of the children from a very different emotional platform. This couple loved each other enough once to produce children. Once again, the children are not divorcing. The children would always prefer a happy mummy and daddy who live together. If their parents decide to live apart then the parent’s responsibility is to make sure that the children have easy and comfortable access to each parent without the parents making it any more difficult than it already is. The children become ‘suitcase kids’, moving between each parent at a given time. Children are resilient and this is not to say that this lifestyle is wrong, in fact it can create independence, a breadth of experience and an understanding of each parent that may not have been possible if the family had remained together.

On the other hand, if this is not handled with great care, compassion and a commitment to the children to make it work as amicably and easily as possible (which means putting aside any of your own negative feelings towards the other parent in front of the kids) then parents - be it on your own head how your kids turn out emotionally, educationally and even physically, by which I mean health wise.

You can make this work, but only by understanding your own role in your relationship, so that you can remove anger, upset and blame. Once you can do that, then the effectiveness of your parenting will be much easier. If you find yourself a great mediator (and this is work I regularly do) who understands you both, then it paves the way for the mediator to help you create a parenting plan that works for you both going forward.

Logistics such as where you live, travelling, costs, timings, who has what at whose home and every other detail you can imagine can be sorted out when two people are committed to making it work for their children.

Yes, I know in ideal world that you’d like to move to wherever and take the kids with you to start a new life. And yes, that may acceptable to your ex or it may not. Sometimes that works if you both agree. But if one of you cannot handle the distance and inaccessibility this must be taken into account. If you cannot agree, get a child mediator to consult with the kids if they are old enough or get to mediation yourself to sort this out.

Another situation might be that father has left and that access to his children may not be foremost in his mind. It may also be that the mother does not even know where he is and cannot contact him. In that scenario it may be absolutely necessary for the courts to decide the contact arrangements in his absence.

These are specifics just to give you an idea and in so many cases it is possible to work out everything to do with kids with both parents and that’s exactly what I help couples to do.

So a strong stance from me today, but one I am passionate about. Truly, kids’ don’t divorce. It may be that you will have to put your dreams on hold for several years until they are old enough and strong enough to cope with major changes. That’s the way it is. Kids are for life, as any parent will tell you.

If you are going through anything like any of the above, call me for a complimentary chat and lets look at how you can emerge from this situation as you kids best parent whilst having your best life.

Love Francine

PS You can Listen Again to Kaye Adams and me discussing the above at
www.bbc.co.uk/radioscotland/