Hello, I’m Francine, I’m 53 and I’m single.

Sorry if that sounds like I should now be part of a 12 step programme. But that used to be my take on it to be honest. It was like ‘OMG I’m half way through my life and at this moment there is no full time partner in it. What will become of me’?

Ever had that thought?

The thing is that there is nothing unusual about it these days. 40+ or 50+ there are quite a few of us ‘second age’ singles about. What is unusual is to be able to look at it through different eyes and because I’m not you and you are not me, my eyes may very well be seeing it from a different perspective.

Today I want you to share with you what these eyes, are seeing and what’s now making it delicious to be single and 50+. (Which by the way, is a new and exciting feeling for me). And perhaps by sharing my viewpoint you might find some useful way to view your situation from a different perspective than one which may be the cause of a degree of discomfort to you right now.

One thing I’ve learned is that its very different being single over 50 (or even 40) than it was when I was in my late teens. Back there then we were all in the same boat. Whilst we may have already created our own internal demons, the fact that we were all young gave us a great deal in common. No kids, no dependants, all of us building ourselves up work wise and heading towards our grown up lives.

In fact I don’t even think we should call it just plain ‘single’ when we are older. It should be called something like ‘Single Plus’.

Being 'Single Plus' usually means we come with ‘added baggage’. Sometimes this is in the shape of ex partners, kids (if you are lucky) older parents, working commitments (or not if you are lucky), maybe health issues (if you are not) etc.

The point is that it’s very different to when you were younger. You cant get away from the fact that there’s just more stuff you bring to the party.

And then there is the added pressure from your family and friends to ‘be happy’. They would ideally like you to find a nice new partner and sail off into the sunset although they say stuff like, ‘darling enjoy your life, go out, do nice things and when you are least expecting it, love will knock on your door’. Yeah right?

But in some ways they are spot on. (Strangely I really did have love knock on my door a while back, which blew all my theories of it not happening out of the window. In fact it was a window that brought a potential suitor to me – but that’s another story for another day.)

So here I am with this shift that I want to tell you about. Which may or may not give you another perspective on being single later in life.

Having done the holidays alone, evenings out alone and dated my socks off, meeting some very interesting people along the way, I have recently had an epiphany and I just hope it lasts.

I woke up feeling really relaxed a few weeks (maybe a month) ago and I’m still feeling it now. In fact I’m finding it very hard to remember not feeling relaxed. Can you imagine that?

I didn’t know why because nothing had changed. The toilet was leaking and my filing was piling up and the couples I work with were still trying to find the route back home to each other. The circumstances of my life were exactly as they were the day before.

But I felt a shift. And I’ve been giving it a lot of thought because that’s what I do and I’ve come up with this.

“I don’t need anything I haven’t already got”.

Turns out that it’s not the mind-blowing feeling I thought I would feel when the truth about my life finally occurred to me. It seems that my Epiphany is even simpler than I originally anticipated it might be. But then I think Epiphanies are supposed to be simple are'nt they? And, actually it is truly mind altering (and I am stone cold sober. Promise!) in every way.

If I don’t need anything that I haven’t already got, then it follows that don’t need a man in my life to feel good or complete or whatever people say about having to have a partner in life.

This is not to say that it wouldn’t be a ‘nice to have’, it simply means it’s not a need in the same way as I held it to be in order to be happy or grow on a daily basis.

I work with couples each day to help them find a way to grow together. This is absolutely the way forward for them (if they are both willing) because they want it to be that way. And part of their route forward is understanding that they don’t need anything that they have not got from each other right now. Because in the longing for that, there is pain. In fact what they are getting from their partner right now is exactly right for their personal growth  (but I digress as this is another story for another day). The point is they are both imperfectly perfectly matched in every moment they are together.

Back to my epiphany.  When I stop believing I need what I don't already have, I realize how perfect my life is right now and I am free from the oughts and shoulds of a society that would like to mould me into what works for them.

So what if, what ever we have right now or wherever we find ourselves right now, is absolutely perfect right now?

And thats my epiphany. For me that seems to be the truth.  And how do I know it’s the truth? Because this is what I have right now.  I already voted on what I have today by my actions to date and to argue with that reality causes me stress and pain. But only always!!

So in order to be single at 50+ I need to be able to accept my reality in a way that fills me with a freedom which releases me from my own and anybody else’s expectations.

It’s the freedom I woke up to. The lack of needing anything I don’t have right now.

So if I stop arguing with being single, stop imagining that I should be dating or do anything that is a should, I can relax. Which I have and I have been noticing all the love around me in my life. Lucky for me that I have numerous people who really do love and care for me. I've plugged back into appreciating the amazing abilities I have in helping men and women to understand relationship. I notice the beautiful garden I’m sitting in, my MacBook Pro and the fact that I am just going to have lunch with my gorgeous kids. Imagine missing out on all that just because my old brain thinks that being single is an incompletedness in some way?

The difference between knowing this – and of course I did understand it before – and actually believing this is like chalk and cheese. One day I was familiar with the rhetoric and the next day I could feel it in my bones. That’s the epiphany and it really is Freedom!

I can't give you an Epiphany in a blog.  I wish I could.  But I can offer you mine as a possibility.  

So go go ahead, be my guest.  Be Single Plus and enjoy it.    And yes, if you do stumble across some partner who is fun and warm and yummy then you’ll grow – of course you will - together. You’ll test all your old beliefs about your life and the two of you will work together because being together will be what you want. And I'm always here to help you with that.

And if you don’t you’ll still grow. You’ll grow in appreciation and gratitude and excitement for every day, every opportunity and possibility that is open to you because you are single.

If you can enjoy every moment of your life, love the sound of someone’s lawn mower, the smell of a distant barbecue, the whisper of the wind in the trees and the feel of it on your skin and the fact that you truly don’t need anything else in this moment that you don’t already have, then you have your life back to do with whatever you want. And right now in my Epiphany that feels very good indeed.

Let me know your thoughts.

Love Francine