Are you wondering whether your relationship has any more mileage in it? Are you bickering about virtually everything? Do you believe you have fallen ‘out of love’? Before you make any life changing decisions, just Stop! Read this first.
Contrary to popular belief it’s not love alone that makes a relationship work, its how you are able to handle conflicts and disagreements between you that will predict the sustainability of your partnership. Research shows that the likelihood of relationship breakdown and divorce can be predicted by the way couples handle conflicts. So the key is to learn constructive ways to handle the differences between you that can lead to relationship breakdown. Right now, do you really know the right way to speak so your partner will listen or listen so you can understand exactly what your partner means? Probably not. Right now, they may just as well be speaking in Swahili. What’s really odd is that we are taught foreign languages at school and even how to ‘talk’ to computers, but when it comes to our personal relationships many of us are completely in the dark without a flash light, when in comes to talking and listening to each other to get the results we desire.
This has turned out to be a week of ‘darkness’ for several clients this many of whom are working very hard to rebuild their relationships. Without question, the most important skill I can give them to help them to reconnect with each other over a very short period of time is by showing them how to use my miracle communication skills that will take them from anger and upset back to understanding and love.
From Conflict to Co-operation
Let me tell you about a couple who worked hard to create communication that works. When *Angela and Charles* came to coaching they were on the verge of splitting up. However with three children and a business between them, neither wanted to give up without knowing they had done all they could to make the partnership work.
My first question is always “are you both committed to making this work”? Both said they were but Angela was concerned that at the moment there was such conflict, resentment, guilt and upset in their relationship that she had no idea how they could get back what they once had. However the fact that both of them wanted it to work meant that they were both ready to give it their best shot, which is a great first step.
I told Angela that I could help but I would need to coach her and Charles individually. This is because each of them needs to be clear about how each of them operates in the relationship, the role they play and about what they want for their lives and their relationship, which may be something very different from their initial needs and wants at the outset of the relationship. This individual clarity is vitally important to the process so both people are able to recognise where their needs are not being met and acknowledge the places where they are. Only when they know this are they able to speak to each other from a place of honesty, which is the solid foundation on which to rebuild trust in the relationship. I told Angela that during the course of the individual sessions I would provide each of them with the same tool kit of strategies, which they can then use together. Amongst other skills, the tool kit contains fabulous communication strategies to help them listen so that the other feels safe in speaking and speaking to each other in a way that has their partner really hear what they were saying. They would be able to eliminate blame, judgement, upset and frustration but they would be required to be more honest than they had ever been with each other. As Angela pointed out, their relationship was on the line anyway, so there’s absolutely no point in not being totally honest. I added that I would expect each of them to take 100% responsibility for taking care of themselves during the process and report their progress back to me. They both agreed.
We began the process by identifying what was most important to both of them and each were able to understand the fundamental values they held which they just were not able to honour in the relationship together.
Value Added Facts
Angela valued independence and freedom of choice enormously and Charles valued being in being included and participating in everything. This meant that Charles wanted to know about all the choices and decisions Angela was thinking of making within the business and at home. Angela however felt that she was being watched and mistrusted constantly and so kept more and more hidden from Charles. Charles got angry when he ‘found out’ about decisions Angela had made without discussing it with him and Angela then felt guilty, frustrated and resentful. When Angela and Charles began to use the miracle communication tools I gave them, both were able to really hear what the other person needed. Charles was happy for Angela to make decisions but he wanted her to share her ideas with him so that he felt included. He learned that some of his responses in the past had sounded judgemental and authoritarian to Angela so she had withdrawn and Angela learned that by misinterpreting Charles’ interest in her decisions, she had pushed him away and denied him the very thing he wanted, which was to be included. This one realisation on its own was the beginning of rebuilding a relationship which today rests of firm foundations. It took Angela and Charles about three months to relearn how to communicate with each other so that both could feel really loved and supported no matter how hurt or angry one of them was. They learned to negotiate their way past any problems and repair any broken trust and best of all they learned how to create a lasting harmony and keep their love alive.
Whether you want to rebuild an existing relationship or learn how to create new relationships that really work, these amazingly simple tools are part of a complete toolkit that I will give you when you work with me. If you are interested in hearing more, please do call me. Relationships don’t come with a user guide or even a guarantee, but being armed with the right skills for the job sure does help!
Top Five Relationship Tips for Couples
· Communication is key. Couples should not assume that their partner will understand the reason why they say or do anything at all. Take time out to let your partner know what you are doing and why you are doing it. By explaining your self you are sharing more of yourself.
· Quality Communication. Every time we open our mouths to speak we have the power to draw people towards us or push them away. Every conversation, however brief, offers the opportunity to build rapport or destroy it. Try to remember that the quality of your communication defines the quality of your relationships so put your tongue on ‘delayed reaction’ and think before you speak.
· Be careful how you talk to your self. How you feel about yourself has an impact on how others feel about you. Think about it. When did you last tell yourself how fabulous you are, how quick witted, how brilliantly clever and how proud you are of you? Don’t you deserve to be talked too in a way that builds you up rather than knocks you down? Then begin by changing the way you talk to yourself and notice the impact it has on all your relationships.
· Roadblocks to communication. Start to recognize how you block communication between you and your partner. Do you offer solutions, moralize, teach or give advice? Do you criticise, blame reassure, analyse or probe? Perhaps you ignore or use sarcasm. All of the above will block communication and your partner will become defensive, withdraw and create negative interpretations. Take some time to recognize how you might unintentionally sabotage communication between.
· Schedule time to do fun stuff together. It is so important for couples to spend time with their partner doing something that is enjoyable to them both and allowing the communication to be light-hearted and fun. Think of this time as adding to your ‘communication bank’. The more healthy communication you put in when times are good, the more likely you are to want to communicate effectively without harming the relationship when the going gets tough.
Till Tomorrow,
Love Francine
*names have been changed to respect privacy.
