So what’s your story then? What’s the story about your partner (or your ex) this weekend?

Did they let you down, ‘make you’ angry, upset you in some way. Were they rude to your friends, did they put you down, withhold their affection, or find some way of spoiling what could have been a lovely August weekend?
Ok, I’m all ears. And the reason I want you to tell me a story is so I can help you avoid weekend upsets.

Firstly let me set the scene.
Yesterday was a gorgeous sunny Sunday and I was sitting by the river in Windsor in one of my favourite restaurants having a wonderful chilled out lunch with a special friend. We were discussing ‘upsets’ of varying kinds.

Now, I only have to hear this word and I go straight into another zone. It’s far to compelling to use words like ‘upsets’ to me and not realize that it’s my cue to embark on a ‘deep and meaningful’.

So in between mouthfuls of poached salmon salad and mushy peas (an unusual but delicious combo), here’s what I suggested. I said to my friend:
“There are no such things as ‘upsets’”.
Now that’s quite a statement and as you might imagine, an idea that went down like a lead balloon!

I put down my knife and fork and would have rolled up my sleeves if I had had any and said, “What I mean is this: (and feel free to apply this to your own situation). What ever happened to you this weekend only became an ‘upset’ when you created a ‘story’ around it”. Please bear with me on this one and I’ll explain.

All the time ‘stuff happens’.
When your relationship is up against it, the stuff that happens is usually upsetting and painful for you. Its almost as if your partner woke up in the morning fully intent on causing as much havoc as possible. It seems like his/her intention is to ‘make you’ feel as bad as possible.
And guess what? It works.

The reason it works is because you add your ‘story’ to whatever happened.
What if you partner was angry or upset about something and you didn’t add your story to it or make it mean’ anything negative.
What would happen then?
Would you still be hurt, angry and have a horrible weekend if their ‘upset’ was simply their upset?

It might not be fun to watch or be around an upset or angry person, but what if you chose not to make it mean anything about you?
How would you respond differently?

I have come to believe that any ‘upset’ I experience is because of the story I make up about it.
No story, no upset. Just ‘what happened’.
I cannot begin to tell you how liberating this distinction is and continues to be every day of my life.

Over the past eighteen months, I, like you, have experienced all kinds of circumstances that have the potential to be upsets. And, I have systematically been working on removing every story I have about every situation that has the potential of upsetting me.
Like I said, no story, no upset.

For you to do this, you’d need to know your unique story that you add to situations. As soon as I begin working with couples or individuals, one of the first things we do is to discover their unique story.
Once you know your ‘story’, you can eliminate upsets in a heartbeat.

Here’s a first step to begin a new week with, whether you and your partner are trying to make it work or separation is on the cards, or you are separated and still need to be in contact.

Notice the ‘story’ you add to anything and everything that happens this week.
(In my best selling book *The Divorce Doctor*, I show you a diagram that makes this simple. You’d probably want to buy it right now for this distinction alone!). When you understand how this works, you really can easily avoid painful interactions.

All you have to do is ask yourself: ‘do I want to be happy or do I want to tell myself a story?’ If you have just heard yourself say, ‘I know I will benefit from some personal help to distinguish my ‘story’; you can call me now and start the week as you mean to carry on.

Till tomorrow,

Love Francine