Yes, I do mean ‘Ex’ as in Ex Partner, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend or whatever you want to call them, not the Simon Cowell show.

I had an email from *Stephanie who told me that her ex husbands new wife was living, what should have been, Stephanie’s life. Her ex had taken their children and his new wife and her children on a stunning holiday and Stephanie was beside herself with resentment that she was not benefiting from the lifestyle her former husband had created after they split up. She really wanted some help in coming to terms with this situation as she had become obsessed with finding out about all her ex’s ‘extravagances’ from anyone who would tell her about them.

And as usually happens, (something to do with the energy out there I think) I then received a couple more emails from women in the same position. In every case none of these women wanted to feel as bitter and resentful as they were beginning to feel.

Now bitterness is not an attractive emotion and like guilt, (see yesterday’s blog) it’s also one that will eat you up from the inside and show on your face (again not an attractive look), so lets set the record straight once and for all.

If your ex does well for him or herself after your relationship with them is done and dusted – wait for it….

It’s None Of Your Business!

I will repeat that again for the ‘outraged’ amongst you. It’s None Of Your Business!

That’s life. That’s the way the cookie crumbles and no one said it was fair. You may have had to tighten your belt and save the ‘money off’ coupons whilst you were together and perhaps you suffered financial difficulties after divorce but to look at your ex’s new partner with even the slightest hint of jealousy or resentment is to miss the whole point of why the two of you are not together any more.

I know this sounds hard, and I am only saying it because I really don’t want you to suffer any more than you already have, but whether you chose to divorce or split up or it was chosen for you, your relationship had come to the end of its road for at least one of you. That means that even if you had won the lottery and had more money than your maker, this relationship would not have been sustainable. Plus all the characteristics that you were not so keen on in your ex partner, are being experienced to a more or lesser extent by you ex’s new partner. Truly. Unless your Ex has experienced a life changing epiphany (or has worked with me!), chances are that your ex’s partner is not enjoying a free lunch. Everything comes at a cost. You know that.

Turns out that Stephanie can vouch for this. Her ex husband was a workaholic and according to her children ‘daddy never stopped working’ whilst they were with him. Stephanie discovered that most of the holiday he was attached to his laptop, and it was the new wife who took the kids swimming and to the beach. This is exactly how he behaved when they were married. So how much fun is it for the new wife, having loads of money to spend but no partner to enjoy it with.

There are two main points here.

First, after divorce or separation, when the dust has settled its so important to regain your own identity or create a new one that is entirely separate from the way you were with your ex. This is an area that is a vital part of my work with you when you are recovering from divorce or the end of your long-term relationship.

Secondly you have to ‘let go’. Easier said than done, but there are some fabulous techniques and strategies to help you get that acceptance into your bones. The bottom line is that for richer - or in Stephanie’s case - for poorer you are no longer together and to argue with that reality will cause you nothing but pain on top of the pain you probably have already experienced in bucketfuls.

Whenever the ‘its not fair’ gremlin arrives in your head, kick him into touch by telling him that ‘its None of My Business’ what my ex does and furthermore tell yourself that if your children benefit from luxuries that you may not be able to provide them, well good for them. Remember kids don’t divorce, parents do. So why should the kids not enjoy the benefit of newly created abundance?

In the end, Acceptance is the only route to take in order to move on with your life. I have a short programme that can move you from resentment into acceptance so that you can let go and get happy regardless of outside circumstances. If you recognize the above situation and want to go from bitterness to buoyancy please don’t waste any more time in upset, just give me a call and we will open an ex file for your immediate use.

Till Tomorrow,

Love Francine

PS As usual names have been changed to protect privacy.

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