Yes, yes, heard all that; read the book and got the T Shirt. In reality, there’s every chance that you’ll just get your little old heart broken once again and how many times do you think a person can do that without closing down, holding back and simply giving up the game entirely? ‘ So speaks the voice of skepticism and justifiably so, as far as the skeptics are concerned. It's true to say that I have coached very many people over the years who have been determined to love exactly like they have been hurt before. You may well have met some of them yourself.

You’ll recognize them by the cynical look on their faces on a first date. You’ll hear it in their language, which slips in the odd derogatory remark about an ex (or several of them – that’s remarks and ex’s) and in a myriad of excuses they make for having stayed single and unattached for so long. If you ever get them anywhere near what they regard as a ‘relationship’, then you are in for lots of fun (not!). You’ll never be sure if they are in or out because they perch high up on the fence, feeding you enough crumbs to keep you in the game but not enough for you to hang around for too long. This strategy, which by the way, is available to males and females, works well for them as eventually you are the one who decides to leave which means they don’t have to feel guilty about ending it with you. They create another unhappy person in the world and we all know how misery loves company.

So what to do? Firstly learn quickly how to spot these types. These are people who have been so hurt by past experiences that even though they long for love, they totally believe it will provide them with even more pain at some point in the not to distant future. They think that committing to a loving relationship means they will have to sacrifice big time, compromise their values and their own needs and get used and abused. It’s not your job to heal them and you cannot be their coach or counselor – they will love that, but you’ll end up feeling drained and dumped on. They are simply not ready to be in a relationship and I am not just talking about people who are dating right now, I am also talking about people who have been in relationships for several years or more with someone who still holds on to old hurts. It’s not possible for them to love you or themselves until they are able to let go of the past hurts and realize that whatever happened was simply not a plot against them personally.

There is only one way to love and that is with an open heart always. Of course, keep your boundaries in place. Certainly respect your own values and put your foot down firmly on unacceptable behaviours. But if you choose to love it has to be by stepping in with both feet knowing from the outset that there are no caste iron guarantees that the relationship will last a lifetime. No one can guarantee that. The only caste iron guarantee is that if you don’t love in this way, you will never know what its like to open your heart to the experience of being loved and being loving to another human being. This doesn’t just apply to your intimate relationships it applies to all your relationships, your friendships and your family. I would also apply this to work colleagues, but perhaps that’s a step too far for many of you – especially if you spend a good deal of your day dressed in overalls and wielding spanners. Greeting your foreman with ‘Really love you Bob’, may be a just a weeny bit over the top.

But seriously (and I guess we should be), I mean it. Try it out. Love as If you Have Never Been Hurt. It’s the best way to experience the whole purpose of relationship, which is to magnify the experience of this wonderful life by sharing it with someone who gets you, who wants to have fun with you and is invested in waving your flag when its sometimes hard for you to wave your own. I believe that if you close your heart to love, you close your heart to life itself. Something to think about?

'til Tomorrow,

Love Francine