When your life is in turmoil, in times of uncertainty and change, if your relationship ends or love seems like a distant memory; its not the circumstances, the situation or the people in your life that are responsible for your discomfort or unhappiness – it’s the thoughts you are having about what’s going on and the beliefs that you hold on to, that upset and frustrate you, or can make you feel like your heart is breaking.
Could it actually be that life is just doing what life does? Could it be that its our reaction to what happens, based on our thoughts, that shapes our present and our future and can either lead us away from pain and towards happiness or back in the other direction?
This is not a new theory but it is the main theory, that one of my favourite writers and speakers, Byron Katie has based her work upon.
One day Katie (as she calls herself) woke up on a floor in an institution where she had been admitted for deep depression and had an epiphany. In a lucid moment of awakeness, she realized that it wasn’t the circumstances of her life that were causing her to be miserable. She saw with complete clarity that it was her thoughts about those circumstances. She immediately began to question her thoughts and it occurred to her that just because we have a thought about something it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true.
In fact if you were to question your thoughts its possible that you would realize that just in the questioning, you could simply dissolve those thoughts that were stealing your happiness, your passion, your energy, and your self esteem and replace them with something else. Something that is actually truer.
Katie created ‘The Work’ based on Four Questions. It’s very simple and she makes it available for all of us to use. Here’s how it works:
The first question is: “Is that true?”
So I have a thought. My thought is that my partner should not have left me. Well, is that true? Your first reaction might be to say yes, of course that’s true! Then you ask yourself. Can I really know that that’s true? ‘Can I really know that its true that he shouldn’t have left me’?
That’s the second question: “Can I really know that that’s true?”
The third question is: “How do I feel when I have that thought?” (“How do I fee when I have the thought that it’s true?”)
Generally when you have a thought like that you are going to feel pain and rejection, you are going to feel a lessening in your energy. You are going to feel judgmental towards your partner and you could add a whole host of other feelings.
And then the fourth question is: “Who would I be without that thought?”
You know without that kind of judgment I might feel free. I might be able to be more accepting, more understanding of my partner. I might be free from pain.
So you ask those 4 questions. Then there is a very interesting twist and that is: You do a turnaround statement.
You take the original statement and you turn it around in some way. So the thought: ‘my partner should not have left me’. Well, one possible turnaround statement is: ‘I should not have left my partner’. Could you find a way to see where you left your partner? Could you find a way that that could be true?
Another possible turnaround statement could be, ‘I should not leave me’. In this situation, for many of us, this one could be true. When we put the other person in the place of power over our feelings, whether we are lovable, wanted or needed, I think for most of us it could be quite true that we have left ourselves. Abandoned ourselves. So that one could be true. Perhaps even truer.
Katie’s process is so very simple. Just Four Questions and a Turn Around. I have seen Katie do The Work with over 600 people and every single person was able to find a thought that upset them, ask the Four Question, do the Turn Around and emerge with a very different perspective. By using The Work in my own practice I have seen individuals and couples make some very profound differences in the way they view themselves and each other.
Whatever is going on in your life right now, in love, out of love, looking for love or if you find yourself upset about your finances, your work, your health or your family and friends, try out The Work. Use the template above. Ask yourself The Four Questions and do The Turnaround.
When I work with you, there are certain times when I will use The Work to help you find a true perspective so that you don’t allow your thoughts to break your heart. If you would like to hear more about this, then just give me a call on 0208 416 0121 or email me: Francine@francinekaye.com
Love Francine
