I promised *Vicky that I would show her strategies that would help her rebuild her trust in Steve but she was skeptical.

I don’t blame her. This was not the first of *Steve’s affairs. In fact there had been three. One with his business partner’s secretary; one with an ex girlfriend and one with a mutual friend of his and Vicky’s. The last one was the most painful for Vicky especially as she didn’t suspect her friend until she received an anonymous note, (as it turns out), from another friend who couldn’t bear to see her Vicky duped once again by Steve.

When Vicky phoned me for help, she was at her lowest ebb ever. She told me that Steve was determined to save their marriage. He’d apologised over and over again and promised that it ‘will never happen again’. But while he had made all the right noises, Vicky still felt disconnected and mistrustful on a daily basis.

The steps Steve had taken, whilst necessary, are not enough. Many couples make the mistake of believing that after the initial shock, hurt and anger over the affair has worn off, they can simply pick up the pieces and get on with their lives. Only later do they discover that lingering feelings of betrayal and mistrust slowly - but surely - destroy their relationship.

If Steve sincerely wants to regain the trust and intimacy that he and Vicky once had, he must follow certain steps. They are not always easy, and they don't guarantee that the relationship will be saved. But these steps can go along way in healing the hurt the affair has caused, and putting their relationship on the right path to recovery.

So if you are the one who has had the affair and want to rebuild your relationship, here are the steps necessary to lay some new and solid foundations:

1. Be completely honest with your partner from now on.
You must be truthful and open about anything your partner has a reasonable right to know. This includes your work diary, your activities with friends, your spending habits, transparency around your emails, mobile phone and so on.

You might be tempted to think that telling a white lie now and then is harmless, especially if it has nothing to do with being unfaithful. But your partner is more likely now to detect any signs of deception or evasiveness on your part. And if you get caught in a lie, no matter how trivial, your partner will wonder what else you may be lying about.

2. Answer whatever questions your partner has about the affair.
Yes, this will be uncomfortable and embarrassing. It's normal for you to want to put the affair in the past and move on. Besides, you think, your spouse is already hurt and angry. Wouldn't learning all the details make those feelings even worse?

Perhaps. But unanswered questions and doubts can linger on for years, making it very difficult for your partner to truly forgive you and trust you again. We all have the ability to run ‘videos’ in our minds that can drive us crazy so it’s far better that partner gets the information from you, rather than build up images in his or her mind or hear details from someone else.

3. End all contact with your ex-lover.
You might protest that this step is unreasonable, especially if you see your ex-lover at work or some other place where running into each other is unavoidable. However, the temptation to resume the affair may prove too strong, no matter how well intentioned you are.

Plus your partner will never be comfortable knowing that your ex is still in the picture. So, do whatever it takes to avoid that person, even if that means changing your job or moving to a new area. If your relationship is truly important to you, you’ll always find a way of making it work.

4. Make amends to your partner.
This crucial step is overlooked far too often. Maybe you think that merely saying I'm sorry is sufficient. Or you believe that nothing, really, can make up for the hurt you have caused. But that is no reason not to try.

The best way to make amends is simply to ask your partner what you can do to make it up to him or her. Ideally, it will be something that reaffirms your love and brings the two of you closer together. Perhaps it will be something that your partner has always wanted from you - being a better listener, for example - but that you somehow failed to provide. Maybe, like one of my clients, you travelled with your ex lover to a place your partner had always wanted to go. Take them there and make some new memories together that wipe out the ones you had with your ex.

The purpose of making amends is not simply to punish you for your infidelity. Its much more about giving your partner evidence that she or he is more important to you than anyone else in the world. And because making amends requires extra effort or sacrifice on your part, hopefully this will cause you to think very carefully if you are tempted towards unfaithfulness ever again. (By the way, if you are, it’s time to take your relationship to someone who can help you understand what’s really going on.)

Recovering from an affair takes commitment and effort by both partners. One is making amends the other has to find it in their hearts to learn to forgive and trust again. The amount of time it takes varies and it’s hard to generalize. Basically however long it takes it takes. However, as your partner gains more and more trust they will begin to relax back into the relationship. At the very least following the above steps will help make that recovery more lasting and meaningful and if this is the only blip you have in a 50 year relationship or marriage, you will have learned to cherish and appreciate each other in a way that will strengthen you for a lifetime.

Till tomorrow

Love Francine