Here’s something for you to ponder on. What if every upset, every complaint and every whinge that your partner made was an Unspoken Request For Love?
What if, whenever they moaned about money, criticized the kids, came home tired and grumpy or argued about anything, all they really wanted was to have their request for love heard?
Yes, they may have a very strange way of expecting to receive love especially if they are being impatient or even unkind but nonetheless, my belief is that there is no random behaviour. This means that they are certainly behaving in a way to get their needs met and the bottom line of all our needs is for love.
If we were able to hear this, our conversations may sound very different. Take the situation with Claire and Paul.
Claire says that she asks Paul to pick up his clothes and put them in the linen basket instead of leaving them under his bed. Paul hears Claire nagging and criticizing him. But what if Claire wasn’t nagging at all. What if she were really saying “When I ask you to put your clothes in the linen basket and you don’t, I feel really sad. It’s because it reminds me of when I was a young girl and had to do everything for myself because my mum was sick. When I think of that time I remember how lonely I felt. So when I have to pick up for you, it triggers that same feeling in me. Then it sounds to you like I am just picking on you or nagging you when all I really want is your support.
And what about if Paul then said, “When I hear you nagging me to put my clothes in the linen basket, I get angry because it reminds me of when I was at boarding school and I got into trouble for not putting my pyjamas in the laundry. I didn’t because I wet the bed because I really missed my mum and dad. I was too embarrassed to let anyone know about it, so I used to try and hide the pyjamas under my bed. I know that it doesn’t make sense now to not put my laundry in the basket, but when you tell me to do it, it reminds me of that time and I just get really angry with you.
Isn’t it interesting. Both Claire and Paul have had times in their lives when they felt alone, scared and unloved. All of us have had times in our lives when we felt like that. I know I have. And when we react and take out our upset on each other, it’s because we hope that our partner will be the one to understand and make it all better.
Unless we are able to express ourselves in a way that allows our partner to understand what’s really going on though, upsets, that are really unspoken requests for love, remain unheard.
If you are in conflict right now, or have upsets that you can’t get past, go ahead and get in touch with me. I have some amazing skills and strategies to help you uncover the truth under the complaints you have about each other. I’ll help you to understand your triggers and what you can do about them. Call me on 0208 416 0121 or email me at Francine@francinekaye.com and talk to someone who can really hear your request for love.
Love Francine
