Which was, in fact, the first question of the week from a person who had decided that the weekend was the beginning of the end of her relationship. She asked me ‘What happens when love dies’. And my answer to her was that nothing happens because, and I am going to stick my neck out here and just say it, - love never dies.
If you are under the impression that just because your partner’s behaviours are now unacceptable or intolerable to you in whatever way, that love has died, I would suggest that you never truly loved them in the first place.
Most people would refute that and say ‘of course I loved them’. Then, I believe you still do. You don’t just toss love aside at 8pm on a Friday evening in late July and that’s it. If you truly love a person, you will love them even if (or when) you decide to ultimately part. And even if you don’t think you feel love at the time.
To add to what I mean, on Saturday night, after a gorgeous day out in Windsor with my lovely girl, we came back to London to see the film ‘Inception’ starring Leonardo Di Caprio. Not to ruin the story (which believe me, would be very difficult as it has so many twists and turns), LDC’s character has to let go of his wife in order to get his own life back. This was exceptionally hard for him as it is for most of us, even when our relationships are well past their sell by dates. Often the pain of surrendering to letting go is incredibly painful because it feels like you are letting love go. Which kind of sounds like you will have less of the stuff or that you have to close off a part of you heart, like turning off a valve? But that’s not the case. And this distinction is an important one to make.
You don’t have to close your heart to your partner in order to let them go or let someone else in. For those of you who have children, close friends and family members who you really love, you will know that your heart is big enough to hold all of them with room to spare. It will always expand when you want it to. To close your heart, to stop it getting hurt or perhaps ‘broken again’, is to miss the whole point of love. So even in letting his wife go, it was clear that LDC’s character would never stop loving her and in real life (which is a bit of a paradox if you are relating this to the film), it is certainly the case. So the question ‘What happens when love dies’, is really ‘what happens when I am not invested in being with that person anymore and behaving as I used to with them’. This is where you and I get to work discovering how you even got to this place with them.
For now though, if you do want to check out your own ‘love barometer’, here’s a few questions for you that will help you to find out if you are still invested in your relationship:
1. Is it hard to imagine being apart from him/her forever?
2. Do you think about them when you are not with them?
3. Do they make you laugh (even when they are not trying to be funny)?
4. Do you get nice feelings whenever you are near them?
5. Do you look forward to the next time you hear their voice?
Are you kidding me? If you answered ‘yes’ to most of the above, you may have to admit, he or she is still the one for you. Even if there is a little tweaking of certain behaviours to work on!
If you answered ‘no’ to most of the above, how about starting the week with some constructive action. Before you make any life changing decisions, ‘we need to talk’ (as they say in the classics). Give me a call and lets figure this whole ‘Love thing’ out together.
Till tomorrow
Love Francine
