Trust me, yearning for someone (or even something) you cannot have, reaps no pleasurable rewards ever. If there is nothing you can do about it, then honestly? There is nothing you can do about it. Full Stop. You can spend the day, as one client revealed she had done, listening to sad songs and coming up with all the reasons why it ‘should have worked’. All the reasons why they were so good for each other on so many levels*. But if the other person is no longer on board, however long you have been together – you are banging your heard against the proverbial brick wall if you waiting for that particular ship to sail again any time soon. Harsh words and you be may thinking it’s easy for me to say that. Well I am just as human as you are. I truly do have empathy with how you feel and so do virtually all of my clients. That said then, what on earth do you do with these irritating, upsetting and frustrating emotions that have taken up residence in your head. How do you deal with then and get past them?

Everyone will tell you to keep busy, get out and socialise, begin a new project or take a course. Yes, all of these have mileage and change your mental and physical state whilst you are doing them. The harder job is to change your own thoughts when you are on your own and so I have two questions that, if you are currently in the above situation, you may like to dwell on, for no other reason than its something else to do and you just may discover something about yourself that you were not entirely aware of. So, here we go:

1) If, right now, you were truly being loved the way you want to be truly loved, what would you be experiencing inside yourself? What are the feelings and emotions that would evoke for you? Take a few moments to close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and then answer the question. Now move to….

2) Did you have the experience of truly being loved the way you want to be loved in your relationship? Answer this question in the same way being totally honest.

If you answered ‘no’ to question 2, go to question 3.

3) What stopped you doing something to address this when you first felt doubts?

The answer to question 3 is where your inquiry lies. We stay in relationships for all kinds of reasons from finances to fears of loneliness and many others in between. But probably the biggest (and sometimes the hardest to articulate) is that we are looking for someone else to provide us with that missing ingredient that will fulfil us and make us feel special. And does that ever happen in a way that is sustainable. There may be moments along the way but the truth is that unless we can do that for ourselves, we will always be disappointed by our relationships at some point whether our partner’s stay or leave. It’s almost like you give someone else the power to decide whether you are worth loving. Once you do that, you lose your centre – the very essence of you is now in someone else’s hands. Now there’s a thought!

If you’d like to, take some time today to think about these questions and if you are interested in exploring them and finding out what keeps you in a less than satisfying relationship or in ‘wistful’ thinking do give me a call. I promise you I can provide you with your own uniquely personal answers.

Till tomorrow,

Love Francine

Ps: the phrase ‘on so many levels’ has been borrowed from my ‘gorgeous girl’s’ vocabulary. I think it really hits the spot and is way up there with ‘oh my god (OMG) and LOL.