If you are in the process of breaking up your relationship - Stop! Don’t do anything until you have read this. 

As many of you know I am an ADR trained Family Mediator and Family Consultant and in that capacity last night I went to a panel discussion chaired by Senior District Judge Philip Waller, two QC’s and two senior partners of top law firms in London.

All of them are agreed that the heavy costs of litigation on clients both financially and emotionally are very very high. They agree that there are many couples for whom resolution outside the court process is totally viable. There are alternatives to litigation – in particular mediation, collaborative law and the use of private FDR hearings that could save couple thousands upon thousands of pounds.

I totally agree that for most people without incredibly tricky finances to sort out, there are easier options available, so why do people opt for lawyers from the get go?

My view on this is that they do not trust that if they sat down with their soon to be ‘ex’ partner, that the other would be fair and they don’t always trust themselves to be assertive enough to get their own needs met during any face to face meeting with the other. This means that instead of being able to sit down and sort out the future financially, practically and even emotionally together to prepare for being apart, they have to resort to the lawyers to do it all for them.

Its completely understandable when emotional temperatures are high that this would seem like the right and only option. But it’s exactly because emotional temperatures are exceptionally high that this is possibly the least effective choice to make. When the couples emotions are charged, they nit pick every issue between them and this means that the amount of letters exchanged back and forth by the lawyers to address these points can add up to very silly amounts of money, which comes directly out of the pockets of the couple and greatly reduces their pot at the end of the process. Not to mention the added bad feeling that builds between them.

Here’s how I see the best and most emotionally stabilizing (leading to practically effective and financially productive) way to handle the process, should you be clear that splitting up is the only route for you.

Firstly you need to understand what happened, why it happened, and how to avoid it happening again. You need to understand the dynamics of your relationship and how each of you related to the other based on some very old ‘wiring’ that both of you had from the past. The reason you need to understand this is because by the time you two are in the breakdown phase, you have ceased to relate to each other as you really are and instead you are relating to each other from the frustration of facing an enemy who seems to want to make life very difficult for you and very easy for them. When I show couples why they are behaving in specific ways that have nothing to do with their partner, they are often amazed and shocked. They had no idea that something that happened in the far off past is playing itself out in their relationship.

This realization alone can change the whole separation process even if only one of the couple works with me. The results I have achieved over the past 12 years using this unique method has changed and continues to change the face of divorce in this country.

Secondly when you understand your role in the relationship dynamics you realize that you truly are partly responsible (even if you are sure you are not right now) for its breakdown and now you have a choice. Either you can work with me towards rebuilding your relationship if your partner is on board with that or you can divorce with a dignity that you would not have believed was possible at the beginning of the process.

And thirdly when I show you both how to communicate with each other you will be able to lay the foundations for a future relationship based on respect for each other especially if there are children involved.

It’s at this point that both of you are ready to sit down with me as facilitator and lay the foundations towards an amicable completion to your relationship. From this point its easy to move to on to Mediation and then use Collaborative Lawyers who will sit down with you both to dot the i’s and cross the t’s at a far reduced cost than any other method I know of.

Doing all of the above will reap an added bonus. You will be able to move on from your relationship with out bitterness, resentment or blame and much more easily get over the relationship (even its it been over thirty years or more!) and move towards your new life with a depth of knowledge about yourself that allows you to keep your heart open at all times.

The work with me takes just four sessions. That’s Four sessions to turn your life and your relationship around. Whether you decide to stay together or live apart, you are back in the driving seat of your own life and you are able to face your future with your emotions and finances in tact.

If you are interested in learning more about this process, please call me o 0208 416 0121 for a chat. This is your Break-Up Wake Up Call – don’t miss it!

Love Francine